Jack's Wackiest Dialogue

by & © Mark Cartwright

Over the course of his lengthy career, Jack Kirby gave us some of the most enduring and creative concepts ever committed to a comic book. As we all know his creativity stays with us due to his dynamic compelling artwork, coupled with truly original concepts. However, occasionally some of Jack's dialogue could approach the surreal in its "wackiness." Particularly when taken out of context, it's almost on a par with the more ludicrous subtitles found in a Hong Kong movie. For your entertainment may I present some truly memorable lines for all the wrong reasons.

"My backside... it's really too well padded to suffer badly in a fall."
One of the 'Black Musketeers' describing her own particular 'super' ability that led to the defeat of the villainous Jakarra. Black Panther #9, page 15, May 1978.

"I-if Steve Rogers would trade his mask and shield for a pick and shovel... I'd be the happiest girl on Earth."
Sharon describes her innermost desire to join Cap in digging roads, instead of being the sentinel of liberty. Sounds like a fair trade! Captain America #202, page 17, October 1976.

"Blazing Bullfrogs!"
The Falcon lets rip with some incredible curse words, that don't so much as make you blush, as totally baffle you. P.S. There isn't an amphibian in sight. Captain America #201, page 26, September 1976.

"Am I dreaming... or is my bathrobe growing back ?" followed by "These threads have even more class than the old ones. Sheesh ! You've sure made it tough to stay mad, Black Bolt!"
Ben Grimm describes Black Bolt's method of ending a conflict between the FF and the Inhumans. Amazing Adventures #2, page 10, September 1970.

"Jumping jars of jellied jaguars!!!"
Oh boy, when that Jimmy Olsen is stunned, shocked, and surprised, does he ever let loose with... total incomprehensible gibberish!!! - truly demonstrating how stunned he is. Jimmy Olsen #145, page 2, January 1972.

"Get yourself a bikini, and start a chain of heart attacks at a garden party."
Don Rickles expounds on the physical attributes of Morgan Edge's secretary. If this was 1971 instead of 1998, I could have used this line to get a slap in the face, or a date. Jimmy Olsen #141, page 10, September 1971.

"I just wanted to walk on the surface again... to see the dawn come up... to feel the warmth of the sun."
Finally the Mole Man explains why he attempted to sink whole cities, kill the FF and lead a marauding army of troglodytes. Johnny Storm's reply, "If pity's your bag you won't find it here." Amen to that! Fantastic Four #89, page 21, August 1969. (Okay, so it's Stan Lee's dialogue!)

"This dame they call Lashina. She went at me with a lash... and POW she whipped all the buttons off...!"
A sailor explaining to his C.O. why he is running around with his uniform about to fall off. It happened after he was spying on a female from Apokolips on the beach. I should stop while I am not too far behind with this explanation. Anyway read it for yourself in Mister Miracle #12, page 7, February 1973.

"See his arms crush the stones like biscuits."
Atlas' power is described as one who is mightier than the fearsome triscuit trasher. First Issue Special #1, page 3, April 1971.

"Gods, Devils, or Space Giants... this tactical nuclear device will decide what they are."
One of Nick Fury's SHIELD agents demonstrates his understanding of diplomacy in dealing with the Eternals. Jack's updated version of "Kill them all, and let God sort them out." Eternals #7, page 16, January 1976.

"Is there a Goozlebobber somewhere in mid-flight above your area?? You won't know until his crew contracts the dread galactic condition known as - COSMIC DIARRHEA!"
Don't ask. Captain Victory #6, page 5, second story, September 1982.

"That alien pariah can give one a mental hernia! Warts! CLOSURE OF THE PORES-and an insatiable desire for ACUTE DEPRESSION!"
Egghead said this about a Goozlebobber; this might be one time the characters were wackier than the dialogue! Captain Victory #7, page 12, October 1982.

"What? WHAT? I say "Bull-Chips" in your cereal, sir!"
Captain Victory's right-hand man Tarin obviously didn't eat his "Wheaties" that morning. Captain Victory #10, page 12, April 1983.

Considering the millions of words Jack Kirby has written in his lifetime, the above examples of "wackiness" are just pleasant interludes, in the thousands of pages of entertainment he has provided

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